It’s Monday morning, 12:10 AM. I woke up at 1 PM. I should be sleeping, but because I’m awake for only 11 hours, I can’t. Monday morning is usually the time I think about things.
Tonight as well. My last tweet was about me needing a Bashir-62. It’s a Star Trek “holo-program”. Then I realized I needed some time away from my life. I ended the tweet with #FML (Fuck My Life).
But the thinking had only just started. I have a German test tomorrow and haven’t found the motivation to learn for it, so I will fail the test. I must admit that it’s pretty much the same with my math test tomorrow, but I’m rather good at math so it shouldn’t really be that much of a problem.
I ended up thinking about why I have motivational problems. Why do I go to school? It’s the law. Why are the only other people at school who have motivational problems, your friends? Now that’s a good question. Most of them are computer-geeks. How did they end up as computer geeks? I guess they didn’t have anything better to do.
And the answer to that question made me realize a possible cause of my motivational problems. All my days are the same. I go to school, then stare at a screen for a few hours, sleep. Next day, the same. And the next day, the same again. In the weekends, it’s the same, except for the school part. It’s always the same.
Isn’t it obvious what the problem is? I clearly don’t have something to look forward to. A school vacation perhaps, but that’s just staring at my screen for 16 hours a day and that gets boring very quickly. No, I need something special.
You could ask me: What do you want? Well, I don’t know. A vacation to a far country? Not alone, and not with my parents either. I kept asking myself that question for over 15 minutes, and I think I know the answer: I am lonely.